‘Family’ evokes multiple definitions, a typical one being people with whom you share genetics. Your sister, brother, father, mother, aunt…but family is also who you regard to be such. If you were raised in a foster home or by an adoptive family who you cherish, that is your family.
Remember when as a child, everyone in the family seemed so perfect? Sure, some of them hurt you but you never kept the pain close to your heart. Your mom and dad seemed like special beings with zero fault while siblings were like your best friends. We shared secrets with our sister and brother that our parents never knew existed. However, we grew up and gained self-awareness, gradually noticing the faults in our stars. Maybe we realized that our perfect dad or mom’s job was not glorified as we thought in childhood. We saw our siblings for who they were- mean spirited drug addicts or bullies in school. Our ‘cool’ uncle who always showed up late to the family parties was in fact, the family pariah.
Resentment started creeping in, and our full-blown puberty disassociated us from these individuals who we held so close to our hearts. I’m not saying this is how every life story goes, it is just a typical adaptation of how the complexity of family relationships begins. When you severally have to pick up your alcoholic sister’s child from school, or are constantly paying for your brother’s rehab program.
I read somewhere that seeing parents for who they are could be the greatest thing, but I do not believe such. I want to be my parent’s child. Maybe seeing my politician father for who he is could ruin my ‘dad’ image of him so I would rather not. Maybe my amazing mother is a vicious and ruthless executive in her workplace. Getting older involves life revelations which sometimes are detrimental to our equilibrium.
Some of our family members are manipulative, self-absorbed, and could hate us, but our love for them blinds us from seeing their true selves. They borrow money that they do not refund and repeat the same after falsely convincing us of a personality change. A toxic mother could use the excuse “after everything I did for you?” They guilt us into giving in, selfishly taking advantage of the love that we have for them. Boundaries come into play here.
It takes significant energy to cut off a toxic family member. Someone you grew up with, who knows more intricate details about you than nobody else. However, sometimes self-preservation is the best solution. Facing sleepless nights because of toxic family members hurts you while they bask in the glory of your kindness. Saying no could be the most difficult thing you have to undertake.
Relationships will get ruined, and the pain is profound but the gain is priceless. This part is where you redefine ‘family.’ Sure, you always will be outwardly bound to blood relatives, but as inward strangers. The people who matter are those that stand beside you in life’s trials. They that care for your well-being. They are family.
