As obedient children, we learned that adults have the final say. That we should agree to everything they tell us to do. But what happens when we become the adults, and the obedient kid in us still thrives?
Being raised in a religious household instilled in me moral values like respect, empathy, humility and kindness. I was supposed to be kind to everyone, not fight back when confronted aka, ‘take the moral high ground’, understand people’s positions and sympathize with them if they experienced setbacks, stand when adults came into the room and so on…
But as they say, experience, no, life is the best teacher. They call it ‘the school of hard knocks.’ Adulthood has had me questioning a ton of these values.
I have realized that yes, it is good to be kind, but when you are too kind, the wolves will eat you alive. There are people who know how to take advantage of kind and good hearted people. For instance if you see a colleague struggling with a heavy workload, you might offer to help, which is good the first time. But this individual might learn that any time they have a huge pile with a short deadline, you will always be there to help so they make it a habit. Now here’s the issue- you are getting nothing out of helping them, in fact, this comes at the cost of your time and resources. You are just doing it out of the kindness of your own heart.
When your employee is constantly late for work with valid reasons, and this behavior affects productivity, as one who was told to always be empathetic when do you realize that it is time to let them go? This kind of situation challenges everything that one was taught. Calling them into your office and telling them they are fired requires a bit of heartlessness, courage and the disrespect of calling in security to escort them out of the premises.
Recently, a neighbor in my new apartment desperately asked for my WiFi password which I gladly gave. I was cool, until I saw them sign several devices into the network. I also later realized that they had lied about why they needed the WiFi. So not only was the network lagging, but I started questioning what exactly they were doing with it. The kind, child in me kept telling me that changing my password would be rude especially since I live alone. That I do not need all that network, and it would be selfish to use it all by myself. But the adult in me looked around at all my neighbors who have lived in my apartment longer than myself, and realized that that neighbor did not approach them, yet they also had WiFi. It seemed that it was something he was used to doing- targeting new tenants who did not know about his history of leeching on free WiFi, acting kind, desperate and innocent while approaching them and once he went back to the den, laughed all to himself regarding their naivety.
I remembered that this was a lesson learned all too well. As a adult, saying no means you will disappoint people, and sometimes feel bad because you are fighting a value that has been written into you since childhood.
You might want a promotion at work, and your friend does too. The upgrade might come with a ton of perks that could elevate your current level in life. You might have to ‘be an a — hole’ and pass over your friend, sometimes even do what it takes to get that promotion. This requires internal toughness.
The kids we once were sometimes hold us back from moving up and forward in life.
Sometimes standing up against your parents- something you would once consider ‘rebelling’ or ‘delinquency’ is the only way to establish your ground, authority and true identity.
I am continually learning that earth is some form of jungle, and there are all sort of animals on here. You have to choose the animal you want to become. A lion, tiger, croc, alligator, puma- or a gazelle, sheep, warthog, zebra, ants— you get my point.
Remember that all these animals have a role to play in the ecosystem. We need them all. If there were all lions, who would eat the grass?
Even zebras and warthogs have their strengths, and know how to defend themselves from predators.
Recognize your role and identity in the ecosystem, own it and figure out how to protect yourself from the predators. Saying NO when needed, is one of those ways. But remember that establishing your ground won’t initially be easy- an internal struggle and battle could arise, but eventually you’ll get used to it.
